Saturday, November 29, 2008

An Inconvenient Truth

I sat beside her, my legs slowly getting numb. Her hands lay heavily on my thighs, occasionally lifting the end of her sari to wipe the tears that incessantly poured from her dark, sleep-deprived eyes. I simply let her have me by her side. I stroked her hair, pulling aside the thin strands of water-soaked hair that were falling on her face.

She looked horrible. Sick.

I wiped one stream of tear that rolled down her cheek once again. I wanted to let her know that I was there for her, that I would be there for her - forever.


But the word ‘forever’ itself sounded so cliché at the moment. Such moments of uncertainty ought not to be teased by such words. Hence, I simple gave her my company, in silence.

I felt incapable of even relating to her emotions, let alone feeling her feelings. Of course, how much can you expect from a guy who was just 2 years old when his parents passed away?

One more tear. One more wipe.

I wished I could make her feel better. But, I badly feared that this emotion might wrap her for a long time to come, making her a totally different person.

I made a sideward glance at her. More tears.

I tried hard. But the only thing I felt was a big solid lump stuck somewhere between my stomach and my throat, making me feel sore. I myself knew about the loss of my parents only at an age when I realised that a father and mother existed in everybody’s life. I was told that I cuddled into my maid’s arms weeping – weeping because she was weeping and because everyone else around me looked at me with teary eyes.

Maybe, one day I would learn how she felt.

But I dared not to think about it, for; I didn’t want to imagine a day without her – a day without that laughter, a day without the sound of her anklets reverberating our home, a day without her faint voice emerging from the kitchen in between the clattering of vessels, a day without her presence during dinner, a day which would dawn without her beside me or a night which would sleep without her warm breath on me.

That would be the day I would realize how she feels now and maybe that would be the only feeling I would ever feel throughout my life.